Blackest mood

Little child, sleep tight in amniotic lullabye

Fear not the rumbles and jumbles

They are not part of what you are

They are not part of who you’ll be

Keep to yourself

Safe, sheltered in the dark

Dare to dream big dreams, little child…

 

 

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Did I ever tell you about my fears? Did you ever know that there are countless nights that I lie very still and yet my heart thumps so fast for fear of what tomorrow may bring, what life might throw at me when I am not thinking fast or when I am caught unawares? There are also nights when I want to cry my soul out… free it from the fetters of the hurting, of the pains of my every day.

Yep, I am one big scaredy cat.

There used to be a time when I had faith as big as the Asian continent, but after so much losses, so much disillusionment, so much casualty on my camp, so much of what I believed in faded into the shadows of unremembered and half-forgotten parts of me… Blended into the cobwebby and dim walls, perhaps never to see the light of day again.

I have become a poser, you see. I still mouth out how wonderful life is, how nice it is to be alive to experience life. And yet, part of me walks away from it all. Walks away from unpaid lip service.

For years, I have wandered like a canoe forgotten by an absent-minded owner… and now, I find myself in turbulent currents. No paddles, no tethers, with such high risk of getting carried off and smashed in some nearby waterfalls. Harharhar.

Harharhar to me.

I’m completely lost and with no firm grounding at that. I have, all these years, sought and still have not found. So, harharhar to me.

I’m back making bigger messes out of my life. I’ve chosen the old pains of an old job, and now, despite being cautioned and taught by my mother to face the consequences of my decisions, I find that I am regretting this one — BIG TIME!

Maybe I really don’t know the path to happiness. I guess I really didn’t have any concrete example from where to gauge my experiences so I flounder — again, and again, and again…

 

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