I’ve discovered that I cannot easily let go of some things. One example is this blog. The last entry I have here was posted a year ago. For many reasons, I stopped writing. Countless times, I’ve considered shutting this blog down permanently. But I stop myself from clicking that delete button whenever I try to.
I hold on.
I cling to the familiar.
I choose this day to celebrate the 10th year that I have been blogging here at the Broken Coffee Cafe. No appointment with the wrecking ball in the foreseeable future. Yet, please excuse us for not having any fireworks display simply because it’s overcast outside.
That a lot of things have changed since I wrote my first post here is an understatement. Yet there are things that I wish to have remained just as they were roughly 3,650 days ago.
Over the years that Broken Coffee Cafe has been up and serving steaming hot cappuccino and crustless organic sandwiches (oh, I changed the menu!), I’ve kept tabs of my gains and losses.
For now, I shall share my pain, what I’ve lost. It is not pity that I ask from you, Dear Reader, but a growing awareness that there is so much in life that we cannot control.
A Fatal Blow
JJ was one-third of the 3-women-strong EvilConners. Writing about her in the past tense is difficult. Her death July of last year is a pain that slices my heart into slivers, for there are many things in my life that remind me of her.
A large percentage of my video collection was gathered because of her recommendation. So whenever I watch a film, I hear her voice saying, “You should watch this, Feyoh. This is change-lifing.” EvilCon will no longer be complete without her presence.
I sorely miss the late-night chats and the hours-long visits to bookstores. We’d stand there conversing over hardcovers and paperbacks, sniffing stationery like a couple of glue sniffers on a binge, and comparing the pros and cons of different brands of gel pens. Funny how I remember these things rather than the somber moments I would have preferred to write about her in a more glorious light, but my heart and mind celebrate her in her most lovable aspect.
Her last message to me was “See you soon!”
We never got to see each other. She had a heart attack two days before we were supposed to meet. I didn’t even have an inkling that she was gone until someone from work sent me an SMS telling me that Super JJ was gone two days after the fact.Gone. Gone.
Her death brought a fatal blow to my security bubble. I had so wanted to introduce my daughter to her, one of my closest friends. My daughter would have grown knowing that she had a fairy godmother of sorts. Super JJ promised to spoil my daughter.
Aunty talk. Aunty swagger. But she was gone too soon. We never got to say goodbye.
Unhinged. Unstable. That’s what life’s been all these years.
Apart from losing Super JJ, I’ve also lost the other third of the EvilConners. Lurch has to work overseas. Communication came to almost a complete halt, with the busy-ness of life catching up on us.
Career and family took on a more urgent priority as we crossed the threshold into superadults and had to struggle to make it, be somebody or something, to ensure that the members of our households are clothed and victualled, to pay bills on time, and be the epitome of the adjective responsible.
Messages to each other became just a way to check that the other still breathes in another time zone. Meaningful conversations just dried up.
It’s in the time that they are out of reach that I realized how vital to the core of my being the friendship I have with Lurch and Super JJ is.
We can only send prayers and our best wishes to each other and hope that each could weather the storms brewing in our individual lives and domestic homefronts as of the moment.
It is not good to be unmoored when the sea of life is cooking up a maelstrom.
I shall do my best to keep the communication lines open again.
Personally, a word has taken on several degrees of importance in a decade of being proprietor of the Broken Coffee Cafe: cherish.
So Happy Anniversary, Broken Coffee Cafe, even if we’re still a month shy of D-Day. Patrons today will receive a free bag of cookie sprinkled with coconut sugar. Enjoy.