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I love you… just because.


Commuting gripe (or how i wish i was not wearing high heels today)

I am not cut out to be a commuter. I could walk, I know.

The title above is self-explanatory, but allow me to elaborate.

Yes, I do enjoy the ease and the relative comfort of just sitting back and letting another person negotiate with trucks barreling towards your lane at 350 kph, cute little kids deciding that it is time to play patintero on a lonely stretch of national highway at the exact moment you decide to speed up to test how fast your vehicle could go (and wonder, as an aside, if the brakes work),  or representatives of endangered fauna standing in the middle of the road and wondering where their rainforest has gone.

Yes, I can sit back and daydream… even enjoy a long snooze while I leave it to another soul to take me to my destination. I do not need to worry about the fuel gauge, the state of the wheels, the shortcuts to take, nor of any police task force setting up road blocks in the middle of the night in the middle of dark highways, usually on town boundaries, to supposedly minimize the crime rate in the city by hauling away confiscated two-wheeled vehicles by the hundreds and leaving thousands of people stranded during the night while at the same time, the big goons just drive by in their SUVs (that’s the anarchist in me talking).

In all, being a passenger would suit me just fine. However, things take an ugly turn if we are talking about a certain high noon when the rains have let up leaving the streets a casserole of mud, muckus, and grime when a certain somebody just got off a passenger jeepney and decided to try hailing a tricycle to escape the noonday sun that made the puddles seethe and writhe in evaporation-has-come ecstasy.

Hailing a tricycle in this une petite ville is not for the fainthearted or for those with low self esteem (pretty much myself), but maybe for those who are learning how to kill the ego. For even if there is a city mandate that all public-utility vehicle must accept passengers for the fact that those vehicles are there to serve the commuting public, becoming a passenger in one of these rarified objets is harder than auditioning for a slot in Pinoy Big Brother.

I have a suspicion that, like a Victorian marriage, the generic tricycle driver has a certain set of criteria for taking in passengers, namely (nope, destination does not count):

  1. the vigor of the would-be passenger’s manner of hailing a tricycle 
  2. manner of dressing of the would-be passenger that bespeaks of the potential to pay the fare
  3. if it would cost him less in terms of fuel to take you to your destination. sorry for those who live on hilly areas… taking you on would mean more expense for him. but for about a hundred pesos… well…

Try hailing one that already contains a passenger by raising a hand in a 40-degree angle away from the waist and the probabiliy of catching the driver’s attention for him to slow down a bit for you to call out your destination would be from 0% to 5%.

Raise the arm 90 degrees up and frantically wave your hand at a speeding conglomeration of metal, disregarding the risk that the tricycle’s brakes may be faulty and you could end up as an amputee with your antics, and the chances of catching the driver’s attention, given that he already has a passenger, would jump to 50% or so. Still, there are statistics showing that the 50% probability would still depend on how well dressed you are while doing the 90-degree wave.

Take note that the probabilities fall with inclement weather or times of day when the sun is at the zenith or when you are in a big hurry. 

It will be a very miraculous miracle if the driver would take you as another passenger if you do not meet the criteria mentioned above.

This is as far as I would take my low self esteem issues out on those beknighted tricycle drivers. (Tata was once a driver himself.) But here’s the good part… owing to the fact that this city where I live in is still small (note of optimism here), I could always opt to walk to where I want to go. Walking could help me save money, is eco-friendly,  it adds to my exercise routine, and it lessens my everyday stress levels. But that’s another story.


…stumbling through…

Nothing’s definite yet so pardon me if I don’t go into the details of the foggy experiences I’ve been accumulating since October 1.

I tried to be faithful in my writings, especially in this journal, but my time is tied to what has been happening these past months. Suffice to say that it involves having a paycheck again. Hopefully, I can give a punto per punto accounting by mid-January…

There is a cause for personal celebration: My muse has returned after a long vacation in the Bahamas, tanned and lithe. Ever since she got back, she’s constructively distracted me by insisting that I smell every flower by the roadside — weeds and thorn-bearing flora included — and take impressions. I haven’t written anything down but my brain is again swimming in a vat of nonsensical(?) data from all those nature trips with The Muse. I’m loving it! Yet one of these days I’ll be needing a Pensieve to empty out my overloaded head.

Happy Yuletide Season, everybody!!! may this season shower you and your loved ones with the blessings of love, mirth, and abundance!


Eyeliner Series

eherm…

here are some of the drawings i’ve done over the past weeks.  i used black and brown eyeliners instead of charcoal pencils. the eyeliners provided a nice waterproof sheen achieved after blending the lines. it’s pretty convenient because there wasn’t any surface sealing necessary — no smudged fingers to worry about.

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yvonne 

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aki

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marichu

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jenna

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adee


Happy birthday kitsch

happy birthday, wimpykitty!

ei lor, since am broke, i can’t buy presents. so i’d just give you this virtual bash.

(special thanks to the webangel lurchie and to rockyou over at www58…)


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Hail to the Lady!

To Lurchie,

Thank you for inspiring me to blog. Thank you also for answering all my addled questions about how to go about this, techie stuff and in between.

Though I can’t say “stay the same”, I wish that you’s stay writing so I could ‘snoop’ into what’s going on with your life. :-)

Thank you again.


Deja senti

friends-note.jpg

But where will I be without them?

So many places, so many names and smiles; hellos and goodbyes. Still, friends are the reason why a stay is worthwhile.

So, thank you… to all of those people who allowed me to be part of their lives, in one way or another.


Small moves

Almost three weeks into this decision to be in the morning shift and yet my body is still adjusting to the change in my sleep pattern.

Most times, I wake up at 4am [pretty much middle of the night] and become totally disoriented. But I’m getting the hang of it.

~sigh~ I should stop babbling about my work shift… it appears that this is a recurring topic in my posts. and anyway, i should stop talking so much about my work environment… there’s so much to life than dissecting the day-to-day happenings while one is still stuck in a dreary occupation.

somehow, i need a change of scene.

++++
been trying to post occasionally in my wordpress blog.


Nascent thoughtforms

This isn’t about ending my life or anything… but ever since Tara showed me a page where people listed what they wanted to do before they died, a morbid sense of excitement has welled up in me.

Anemone (that annoying entity with a tinny voice residing in my head) has instantly grabbed a stub of pencil and sheafs of paper and has written a mile-long list of what she wanted to be or do before I (we) die… She’s kept shoving it into my conscious thought and won’t let up with her annoying chant of “Destiny, destiny, destineeeeeee!!!!” until i write at least twenty of those stuff I might consider doing before my expiration date comes up… we never know for sure, as it is.

So, dear reader, here are some stuff I (with Anemone’s prodding) would want accomplished before I do an exeunt…

  1. Write and direct a full-act puppet show for kids and those kids-at-heart
  2. Finish writing Kayo’s story and have it published
  3. Spend a day being a listener and avoid interjecting conversations with a “Me, too!” monologue
  4. Re-read all books in my personal library [>300] and write impressions that are at least three paragraphs long for each book read
  5. Have a day off in a spa with my mother
  6. Spend a whole week with Tata touring the entire province riding a motorcycle and sleeping out in the open
  7. See Umberto Eco in person [if he's still living at that time]
  8. Spend half a year each in Germany and France, taking photographs of castles and cathedrals
  9. Put up a magazine [i dunno yet what the contents should be]
  10. Hold a tarantula up close for at least a minute’s duration [cold shivers ran up my spine just thinking about this, brrrrrrrrrr;ewwwwwwwww]
  11. Take up an exercise regimen i could do at least three times a week [i'd probably have longer days on earth]
  12. Laugh more often
  13. Look 12 years younger than my age without any cosmetic or surgical “assistance”
  14. Get a PhD in Anthropology and have a professorship in a respectable university
  15. Guide Faith in her growing up years, while at the same time learning valuable lessons about life from her
  16. Watch a sunset together with Tata
  17. Try to grow a garden
  18. Ride horses again
  19. Never make the same mistake of sacrificing principles for financial gain
  20. Be at peace with myself
  21. Co-author a family semi-autobiography with my mother

There’s still so much stuff Anemone is cranking out about but this will suffice for now.


Tuesday swills

There…

I’m being haunted again.

But this time i think the haunting manifests because of guilt. I haven’t visited my brother’s grave for more than a couple of months now. It seems that he’s trying to remind me to pull off some weeds from the manicured Bermuda grass of his gravesite lest it’ll get overgrown with brambles and bushes. And to light some candles and incense and bring in a basket of flowers to brighten things up. ~might do that on Sunday.

‘Tis a difficult time for me, too.

I’ve been putting off my decision to leave my current job and head for the big city and do a proverbial “following my dreams” one-woman tango. But there is a part of me that says it’s all too soon. Somehow, I shall just wait this one out a bit more; say, a couple of months until the weather gets fairer. Then I might be off.

Oh, wish me luck.

Footnote: Lurchie’s back and so I have something to rejoice about.


an open letter to someone i know

to someone i know…

be happy… whatever you strive to be…


Morning shiftiness

I arrived earlier for today’s shift than I did yesterday.

So tallying what’s gonna be docked from my pay for two days’ worth of tardiness:

Tuesday — 46 minutes
+
Wednesday — 14 minutes

= 1 hour

I really meant to come early.

But my eyelids refused to cooperate. They remained resolutely closed until there was little light outside. Then they grugingly opened. It was only then that I could stumble my way to the bathroom.

It’s understandable for myself since I had been used to waking up around ten or eleven in the morning — as I had been on the night shift for several months already and my body is still adjusting to the change of shift. But payroll would not understand. And I won’t elaborate on the reasons why as payroll does only what it is meant to do.

~Sigh~

Yet I digress. I decided to be in the morning shift. But only temporarily.

My brain is still in sleep mode.

*Yawn.


A few years ago, a family friend residing in Hawai…

A few years ago, a family friend residing in Hawaii sent us prayer cards. I’ve been rummaging through some stacks of paper that were sitting on the bottom part of the closet. One copy of the prayer card was in those stacks. The prayer was written in a gentle but strong voice… and it still touched me and made me want to take action.

I’m sharing the prayer here.

Prayer for the Decade of Nonviolence for Children[1]

February 26, 2003

I bow to the sacred in all creation.

May my spirit fill the world with beauty and wonder.

May my mind seek truth with humility and openness.

May my heart forgive without limit.

May my love for friend, enemy and outcast be without measure.

May my needs be few and my living simple.

May my actions bear witness to the suffering of others.

May my hands never harm a living being.

May my steps stay on the journey of justice.

May my tongue speak for those who are poor without fear of
the powerful.

May my prayers rise with patient discontent until no child is
hungry.

May my life’s work be a passion for peace and nonviolence.

May my soul rejoice in the present moment.

May my imagination overcome death and despair with new possibility.

And may I risk reputation, comfort and security to bring
this hope to the children.

[1]The United Nations has proclaimed 2001-2010 to be the “International Decade for the Culture of Peace and Nonviolence for the Children of the World.” Mary Lou Kownacki, OSB, wrote this prayer for this special observance at the request of Pax Christi USA. This prayer is found in the book, The Nonviolent Moment: Spirituality for the 21st Century, published by Pax Christi USA.


One for Tara…


I know how much you love cats… Here’s one of my back-scatching bedmates wishing you hi. And oh, this is my peace offering. Sorry for whatever invoked the Iron Curtain the past few days.


Ribbit

Here’s an animal that never ceases to fascinate me.

Frogs.
Symbols of protection and regeneration.
Good indicators of environmental pollution.
Callers of rain.


Of the template 3

Need I say more? So much for a blog make-over.


Wondering aloud

I wonder how Lurchie is doing…


I wonder how Lurchie’s doing…


I wonder how Lurchie’s doing…


Shattered

Someone just pulled the rug from underneath me.

I am now floating in a vat of amniotic fluid mixed with hydrocholric acid. I want to cry but I cannot. It would absolutely look stupid crying in the relative quiet of this net cafe. I can’t go into so much details. But all the same, it would suffice to say that I am angst-ridden because of what I’ve read in an e-mail just now.

An admixture of disgust and disbelieve is trying to come out through my throat. I feel so betrayed.  And by someone so close to me.

The feeling that this person is all along something else than what this person has tried to present to the world for many years had suddenly been validated. Uggh. [swears#@$###@]

I hate this threshold of knowing that nobody is perfect. Ever. I wish for some hole to crawl into.


Unrequited

I’ve fallen in love.

And the saddest part about it is that it is never, ever gonna be “us”. No matter how many nights I spend awake, heartsick, and sobbing, no matter how many meals I will have no appetite to finish, no matter how forlorn I’d get, how pale and thin I’d become, there’d be NO hope for “us”.

So, with a heavy, broken heart, I can only whisper my beloved’s name to the wind…

I love you, Kooba Paige bag.

[A huge ~sigh.]

The Bag Lady quotes the price of this delicious, splurge-worthy bag at [cash register chimes] $645.


I think I’m coming down with a fever [lovesickness].
*Sob*


Republishing… Rescued Piles of Files

A slight relief.

I’ve managed to save a few of my previous posts in my hard drive. I am in the process of re-publishing them. [I have stopped banging my head against the table over my impulsive decision to delete the previous Broken Coffee.]

The re-published posts will have the label “Archive”.

Archive

Haha.

It’s a tiring day. I just stopped battering my brain for a while and sought a breather in some pick-me upper found in the following speech. Some may be familiar with the words as woven in Baz Lhurmann’s “Suncreen” music video.

This was given as a baccalaureate address in a US university. Baz Luhrmann popularized this as “the Suncreen song”…

Everbody’s Free (To Wear Sunscreen)
Popularized by Baz Lurhmann

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’99
Wear Sunscreen
If I could offer you only one tip for the future,
sunscreen would be it.
The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists,
whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience
I will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth, oh nevermind,
you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they’ve faded.
But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself
and recall in a way you can’t grasp now, how much possibility lay before you
and how fabulous you really looked,
you are not as fat as you imagine.
Don’t worry about the future, or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum.
The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing everyday that scares you
Sing
Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts,
don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.
Floss
Don’t waste your time on jealousy, sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind,
the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.
Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults,
if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.
Stretch
Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life,
the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22
what they wanted to do with their lives,
some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.
Get plenty of calcium.
Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.
Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t,
Maybe you’ll divorce at 40,
Maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary
What ever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either
Your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s.
Enjoy your body, use it every way you can, don’t be afraid of it,
or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own
Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.
Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.
Do not read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.
Brother and sister together we’ll make it through
Someday a spirit will take you and guide you there
I know you’ve been hurtin, but I’ve been waitin’ to be there for you
And I’ll be there just helping you out whenever I can
Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for good.
Be nice to your siblings, they are the best link to your past
and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on.
Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get,
the more you need the people you knew when you were young.
Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard,
Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.
Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander,
you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young
prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.
Respect your elders.
Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund,
Maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.
Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you’re 40, it will look 85.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it.
Advice is a form of nostalgia,
dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off,
painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.
But trust me on the sunscreen


Nuances:

  • dry clacks of keys on the keyboard
  • uncontrolled office chatter
  • muffled ringing of an unanswered telephone (nobody else cares except Melder)
  • officemate  singing first few stanzas of Pearl Jam’s “Betterman” to stave off the sleepiness
  • rustle of paper
  • hum of the malfunctioning airconditioning
  • laughter from the women’s bathroom
  • thump of impatient feet
  • mouse clicks
  • cold sandalled feet
  • aroma of instant coffee
  • stale, reconditioned air

Nuances:

  • dry clacks of keys on the keyboard
  • uncontrolled office chatter
  • muffled ringing of an unanswered telephone (nobody else cares except Melder)
  • officemate  singing first few stanzas of Pearl Jam’s “Betterman” to stave off the sleepiness
  • rustle of paper
  • hum of the malfunctioning airconditioning
  • laughter from the women’s bathroom
  • thump of impatient feet
  • mouse clicks
  • cold sandalled feet
  • aroma of instant coffee
  • stale, reconditioned air

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