This Will Make You Sleep

An Ethnographic Whatnot in the Life of a C. editorius

Abstract

Results of a long-range ethnographic study of the behavioral tendencies of the terrestrial Copious editorius spp. severians (as well as springii, lauawans, and aye ee) when found in its natural habitat are reported in this paper. Consensus was drawn, specifically, that C. editorius can thrive in captivity given that certain factors are taken into consideration by the “captors.” Nevertheless, it was concluded that C. editorius cannot be kept as pets or as status symbols for individuals or corporations who presume that prestige can be had with the keeping of said member of the animal kingdom. The C. editorius has highly sensitive sensors of their surroundings and would act exactly the opposite of what handlers expect of them, especially if the C. editorius senses deceit or condescension from humans it interacts with, turning feral and rabid, if necessary.

1. Introduction

As recently as three years ago, several industries have taken to creating a workforce composed of biped mammals of the genus Copious in their production lines, as a response to the recent agreement among all the economic sectors of the nations united, which stated that inclusivity shall be applied in all aspects of a corporation’s business practices[1]. The inclusivity clause specifically mandated that members of all human races should be represented in the production line, as well as at least 15% of the workforce in the cerebral sector should come be comprised of species from the kingdom Animalia.

Copius editorius, a highly adaptable and easily toilet trained member of the Animal Kingdom was the one of the first species that corporations have set sights on as the newest members of their workforce, having heard tales and urban legends of how C. editorius can easily mimic the ways and positive behaviors of humans, who are mostly lazy bums[2], and of these species’ special ability at shape-shifting, which are all favorable attributes that corporation officials have always searched for in, and were constantly frustrated by, their human rank-and-filers.

Over the course of three years, corporations, with their financial might and insensitivity to being “at one with Nature,” have quickly employed the services of illegal trappers and poachers to hunt down the greatest numbers of C. editorius in the wild, which are then just as quickly transported to “debriefing” facilities (specific location undisclosed) out in the Gobi desert; a few weeks later, humans are replaced in their workstations and production lines by seemingly docile C. editorius, able to perform thrice the speed of one human and a half.

But is this all good for the long haul? Superheroes have been known to have low days and would start destroying those they have sworn to protect (pretty much like members of the police force, [2 3] ). Could it be that corporations now run a higher risk of “employing” these C. editorius (albeit saving the company funds because C. editorius has no real use for human money; salaries usually end up as fodder or nest liners for the exalted species) without really observing their natural tendencies precaptivity?

This paper is the product of a long-range ethnographic study, where the author, the first human ever, lived among members of a C. editorius colony in their natural habitat located within an uncharted forest in deep Southeast Asia (coordinates undisclosed), see Fig. 1.

One of the known "natural" habitats of the C. editorius

One of the known natural habitats of the C. editorius

2. Physiology of the C. editorius

It has long been thought that C. editorius is an offshoot of the human race (Homo sapiens) when the two species diverged into two totally different subgenera during the splitting of the missing link. Both species are biped, as well as mammals. However, to differentiate the easily mistaken C. editorius from its close human relative, for the former, their youngs are raised in maternal pouches, i.e., these bipeds are marsupials.

Fig. 2 shows other obvious similarities and differences between the two species.

Physical differences between (A) C. editorius and (B) Homo sapiens for both the (left) female and (right) male of their species

Physical differences between (A) C. editorius and (B) Homo sapiens for both the (left) female and (right) male of their species.

2.1. Shape-shifting Capability

C. editorius is a known shapeshifter. Little is known about this common ability among the species under study[4]. However, through the author’s close observation of the C. editorius in their natural habitat, it could be concluded that their shapeshifting ability is actually a defense mechanism. It is a survival trait. The most dominant C. editorius (and this can be either a male or a female) usually take the form of the current top political official of the country where the C. editorius has chosen to form their colony. It can also be concluded that the C. editorius can be used by enemy countries to infiltrate the inner circles of their enemy countries with the use of a trained C. editorius, who could be sent as an exact “clone” of a country’s official and take instructions from scrupulous and war-freaky other nation. However, in order for the C. editorius to shift shape, its amygdala must first be stimulated in a way that it would begin to think that there is a forest fire or any major catastrophe. The author suggests to would-be captors of C. editorius for the purpose mentioned above to be creative in how to make the noble marsupials shift shape into their desired persons.

It has also been observed that the weakest of the species, either male or female, usually morph or shift into a Michael Jacksonesque form and would start running after the youngest members of the colony.

2.2. Temperament

Although almost totally docile, there are instances when the author had observed the C. editorius to turn feral and rabid. This happened in situations wherein the C. editorius was forced to sit for at least 8 h/day in an environment with a dusty airconditioner turned on and ambient clicking sounds emanated from an overhead standard speaker (Sanyo Hi-Sound, 220 V, output 500 W).

In reading and comprehension tests, where flashcards with printed English words are shown to 120 C. editorius, all the subjects have shown aggressiveness to the words “mandatory” and “overtime,” where in one case, the subject attacked the tester, grabbed the flashcards and proceeded to tear the cards to bits[5].

Nevertheless, these C. editorius were found to be caring parents to their offspring, scavenging almost the entire day for scraps that both the mother and father C. editorius regurgitate for their young. Offsprings that are a day to three months old are kept safe in a mother’s pouch, where they suckle milk and a unique concoction of Milo and Yakult; hence, upon maturity of the young, the frontoparietal lobes, where memory and temper control are housed, are well developed compared with those of their distant cousins the H. sapiens[6]. Fig. 3 best illustrates the comparison.

No humans or other creatures were harmed in the creation of this paper. Visuals serve as guides and are not meant as an exhibition of the macabre.

Comparison of brains of H. sapiens and C. editorius. Note: No humans or other creatures were harmed in the creation of this paper. Visuals serve as guides and are not meant as an exhibition of the macabre.

Fig. 3 also suggests the high sensitivity of the C. editorius to its enviroment. Fig. 2(A) shows another trait of the C. editorius, i.e., it has the capability of detaching its head from its body while still remaining sensate and totally conscious.

3. Conclusion

This study has shown something. Whatever it is, the reader is encouraged to figure it out for themselves.

Acknowledgment

The author would like to thank casarioblanco.com; commons.wikimedia.org; http://www.learnnc.org; sciencegeekgirl.wordpress.com; and http://www.bjwinslow.com for some of the pictures used here. The captions and editing in no way reflect the views of the image sources, and any misattribution is solely the responsibility of the author. Special thanks also go to Neil Ross and his Batmobile, to my fellow CEDs who slog long days at the factory (this paper’s for all of you), and, finally, to my beloved (gag) Shoe Factory, where everything is not the way it is supposed to be.

Notes:

[1] Just your usual bogus reference from the Nations United, pp. 16-181.

[2] Just another misanthropic comment from your friendly antisocial psychopath neighbor, p. 3.

[3] This remark has nothing to do with the discussion at hand.

[4] What is the sound of one hand clapping?

[5] An occasional stress reaction, as is usual among the species.

[6] A dream is a wish…

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